Am I in love with being in love?

After an interesting conversation…

So as I said in my introduction I have never been very popular. Especially when I was younger. Now that I look like a grown up person I have some fans. I know I could get into a relationship without seeking too much (and I am not being proud) but I think I am being too picky and, in part, that’s why I am still single.

Anyway, I have been trying to understand more about this romantic relationships issue. Last week I was talking to my pastor and friend Juan Carlos Soto and all of a sudden he asked me: “Why don’t you have a girlfriend? You don’t want to or you believe no one is worthy to be with you?” “He’s a friend, he can talk to me that way”, I thought. When I got home I knew I needed to answer his questions. I made an appointment, prayed and went to his office yesterday.

He was quick, “Ánderson I’ve been your friend for more than 10 years and I have noticed that you are way too perfectionist”. Now that I think of it, he is totally right. I grew up trying be “the perfect kid.” That attitude increased when I became a Christian… I don’t know, it’s just that somehow Christians misunderstood what holiness is. I thought that being holy meant to be perfect at everything; and you know what? I do believe we can live without sin in this life, but I am also understanding that love is not a sin. There is perfection in loving someone, that I know.

In 2008 I got to a state of mind when I felt really lonely. I was tired of being considered the super minister and I felt totally lonely. There was no one to care for me, that I thought. I mean, there was the good 30 years old friend with four children. But, where was my princess? Where was the one that loves me for who I am and not for what I do??

I understood that it was time for me to live. I looked for a girlfriend. I found a girl whose personality was a perfect complement to mine. I flirted. I made her fall in love. I started a relationship. I enjoyed it, I really did. But, you know what? I never asked God what He thought about that relationship. At the end she dropped me and I felt even more miserable than before.

Bottom line: I was in love with being in love.

More than a year has passed and God taught me a lot of things. I understood that being a human is not only important, but necessary. But humanity has its own risks. Humanity is perverted as nowadays romantic relationships are. But being a human in a Christian way, means that you are willing to live to the fullest without forgetting that you are to be God’s reflection in this world.

Now I really want to love someone. Not only that, I also want to be loved by someone; yes, in a romantic way. Juan Carlos told me several things that made a lot of sense for me:

The woman that wants to be your wife:

• has to fall in love with the man you are, not the minister.
• has to understand that you are worthy not because you are a leader, but because you are God’s child.
• can be known, at least in part, for the amount of boyfriends she has had.
• can be known, at least in part, for the kind of relationship she has with her parents. Especially with her father, because you want a girlfriend, not a daughter.
• can be known, at least in part, for the kind of relationship she has with other men.
• would find it easier to connect to you if she is between 20 and 24 years old.
• Should be finishing her secular studies or currently involved in religious studies.
• has to be a girl that likes to work. She shouldn’t be lazy.
• has to be diligent.
• has to understand that her money will also be yours (and he smiled as he said this ).

Before starting a romantic relationship you have to understand that:

• You are not just spirit, you have both emotional and physical needs, you are wholly human.
• You don’t need her to be a pastor or a missionary, you need her to be a wife, a good one of course.
• God can change your ministry, but He is not going to change your wife.
• That shelter of being a minister makes us selfish sometimes, and it makes us miss great opportunities.
• it is not good to say: “I am the happiest missionary, but the saddest man”
• your virginity is a special treasure and you should keep it for that special woman.
• you have to be pure not just “till marriage”, but during your whole life.
• you have to appreciate and take advantage of your social background. You know what it feels like to work to get what you want, to eat whatever God provided.
• your wife might come from a different context; and that doesn’t make her better or worse than you, just different.
• in order to find your “true humanity” you need to find someone complementary, you won’t understand humanity by marrying a woman just like you.
• what you call perfection for the sake of the Lord, might be pride to boost your selfishness.
• you deserve an opportunity to fail. Fail once in a while; well, at least admit that you failed.
• you are 22 years old. Stop acting as a 40 years old.
• Excellence is good, perfectionism is bad.
• women could get to think “If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole.” But you don’t want a disciple, you want a wife.
• if you show yourself just how you are, you have a good chance to know your girlfriend as she really is.
• You will never find the same spiritual, intellectual or physical level you’re craving for.
• to be surrounded by experienced ministers is good. But if you idealize them, you will be far from reality.
• we all need times not to be the minister, but only the man; and that does not imply stop being holy.
• you shouldn’t ask the girl you’re trying to conquer if she has a missionary calling to Japan… you could scare her.
• it is necessary to make her fall in love with your dreams but you shouldn’t kill hers.
• God is very creative and He can have someone for you in Argentina, Japan or wherever, He can even show her to you through the Internet.
• you have to stop analyzing girls accord to your standards, try to see them as God sees them.
• you don’t have to insist to the girl, you have to insist to God. She can get bored and leave you alone, but God can get tired of your constancy and give you what you want.
• God’s purposes have to do with time, place, and people. You have a clue about time and place, now it is time to seek for the one that will be with you.
• the trips God is giving to you, are also opportunities to find the right one. You should travel with your eyes wide open.
• you should ask yourself whether you are ready to love someone or just need to be with someone.
• you should ask yourself whether you love her or you are just addicted to her.
• Love is decent, but passion is rude
• Love never falls away.
• You are single this is a good time to “take a look at the menu”.

Well, so now I am really ready to start a romantic relationship. This time I understand that I have not to be in love with being in love; instead, I want to love my “spiritual beauty” in an pure and truthful way. It is not that I will start a relationship with the first girl I meet. Right now I feel God taking control of my feelings, and I love that. But I definitely am as a “roaring lion”, and if I find my prey, I’m sure she will be happy, both will be. I repeat I don’t want to be proud, but I know I am a good guy, I know I’ll be a good boyfriend and a good husband.

As Bradley Hathaway says:

“I’m a manly man”.

This is Juan Carlos